Some Thoughts About Intimacy

by Chip August

We were lying in bed the other day, panting after our exertions, with me trying not to immediately doze off, as I am wont to do, when I stated to think about this fantasy named “intimacy.”

First an admission – by and large, I come, I sleep.  Maybe it’s the aging process?  Maybe I’m just not as physically fit as I was?  All I know is that as a younger man, after sex  I still had the energy to talk, discuss, get some food, worry was it good for my partner, feel guilty and a little ashamed, and even the energy to have sex again.

I turn 50 this year and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  I don’t spend very much of my attention worrying, feeling guilty and ashamed.  And I sleep better than I ever have.  Especially after sex.  Maybe it’s a symptom of my contentment?

Anyway, often when I just fall asleep my partner feels abandoned.  One minute we’re physically joined, the next I’m sound asleep (sometimes snoring!).  I really like my partner and see the value in having these tender moments slowly taper off to sleep time, as opposed to abruptly ending.  The abrupt ending also feels like it gets in the way of the depth of our connection.  I think there are times when we both hold back a little from each other, knowing that the intimate bond will just stop, when the sex stops and the sandman arrives.

All of this got me thinking about the nature of intimacy.  What makes some things “intimate” and other things not?  If intimacy means “into me you see” or perhaps “into me I see”, then is everything that is self-revealing intimate?  When we talk about some communication being intimate do we mean personal?  Revealing? 

Maybe what makes something intimate is as much about the beholder as it is about the person communicating?  If I choose to, I can always learn something about the person communicating just by letting go of my reactions, judgments and opinions and really trying to understand what this person is trying to say.  I can listen (read) with acceptance, genuineness and empathy, allowing myself to perceive aspects of the communicator I might otherwise miss. 

(I use the mnemonic of AGE to remember to listen with Acceptance, Genuineness and Empathy.)

In order to let go of my reactions, judgments and opinions I find active (or reflective) listening to be an incredibly useful tool.  When I reflect back to the speaker (writer) the facts and feelings I just heard him/her express, I find I get a clearer understanding of what was said.  And if my reflection doesn’t match the speaker’s intention, then the speaker knows that their communication did not land as intended, so they try again.

Often the person being reflected finds new, deeper truths for him/herself.  And as these deeper truths are shared our conversation becomes increasingly more intimate, connected, and heartfelt. 

All this assumes that I’m not withholding some communication from my partner, nor she from me.  I notice that when someone is upset with me, no matter how hard they try that AGE stuff it still feels weird to me.  And when I have unspoken upsets as the listener, no matter how hard I try, some of that discomfort colors the interaction.  I just don’t believe there is any substitute for articulating and expressing the thoughts that have us want to keep our distance from someone else.

Here in the written word (as opposed to conversations), intimacy is especially challenging for me.  I read tone, attitude, and emotions into emails and letters I receive that are totally different than the author’s intent.  And instead of me reflecting back what I read, I often write a response as if my interpretation is “true”.  Meanwhile, every time I send a letter, write an article or send an email, I foolishly expect the reader to hear my tone of voice and know what I meant.

I’m not looking into the eyes of the person with whom I’m engaged in this dialog.  He or she isn’t looking into my eyes.  Instead we’re hidden from each other, hidden in the ink, or the bits and bytes, that form words.  And because we’re hidden, I think we behave differently.  Being hidden, it is difficult to experience genuine intimacy.  Into me you CAN’T see.

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