HELP IS AS EASY AS LISTENING
By Chip August
One role of every parent (or life-partner) is to create caring, respectful relationships with our children (or our spouse), encouraging them to see you as a strong support in their experience, and encouraging them to grow and develop as separate and unique individuals.
Helping Attitude
There are many ways to show our loved ones that we love them – by saying “I love you”, cooking, cleaning, shopping, giving gifts, etc. One of the most important ways we show our loved ones that we love them is by being present, in our hearts, available to listen. When we practice ACCEPTANCE, GENUINENESS and EMPATHY, we give the most precious gift that one human can offer another.
No one can solve another’s problems. Even if we’re sure we know what they should do. And none but me can solve my problems, no matter how much I wish they could. Bringing a “helping attitude” to our relationships –treating everyone with dignity, respect, understanding, trust, kindness, compassion, honesty and love – lovers put aside their own agenda, their own fantasy of what would be best for their partner (or child) and instead to trust that the person who has the problem, dilemma, upset is the only person who can fix or solve it
Helping Skills
The skills that are most helpful when someone we love is in upset (angry, sad, frustrated, yelling, crying, interrupting, etc,) or is having a problem, include:
- Attending – Being present with the person, making appropriate eye contact and maintaining open body posture.
- Listening in silence – Being quiet as the person you are with talks, or while they are in silence.
- Acknowledging – Non-evaluative responses, letting the speaker know you heard what they said (“Hmm,” “Really,” “I see,” “Yes,” etc.)
- Asking questions that “open the door” – Open-ended invitations for the participant to talk (“Would you like to talk about it?” “I’d like to hear more.”)
- Active Listening – Reflecting back the facts and especially the feelings the speaker has just expressed.
Active Listening
The most important communication tool or technique that we have available to use with our family and/or lovers is called Active Listening. Simply put, Active Listening is reflecting back to the speaker the facts and feelings they just expressed. Whenever we’re speaking with someone who we think is in any upset or is experiencing a problem, this is a great technique to help that person begin to deal with their problem.
Often, we think we are helping by offering advice or telling the person that everything will be all right. While these behaviors may sometimes be appropriate in some situations they are not what we mean by Active Listening, and can, in fact, prevent the very communication we were hoping to encourage. All that we really need to do is to reflect back the facts and feelings just expressed.
How to Active Listen
The key skill in Active Listening is the ability to reflect back to the speaker the facts and more importantly the feelings the speaker just told you. You do this by speaking the communication back to the person either by repeating it or paraphrasing it.
Example: Them: I’m shaking so badly I can hardly stand up.”
You: I really hear that you’re feeling afraid and unsteady”
Letting go of any thought that you know what this person needs to say or do, and trusting that as the person speaks his or her own thinking will get clearer, continue to reflect what you are hearing. Sometimes the speaker will disagree with your words. Good! That helps the speaker get clarity. Sometimes the speaker’s story will ramble away from his or her original topic. Good! That helps the speaker get clarity. Sometimes the speaker will lapse into silence. Reflect that silence with silence. The person being listened to will let you know when they are done or want something else.
If you are uncertain what the speaker is actually meaning it is appropriate to ask for clarification, encouraging the speaker to elaborate further or define what they have already said.
Example:
Them: I’m shaking so bad I think I might be having an episode.”
You: “What kind of episode do you mean?”
As you listen, notice the speaker’s posture, how they are holding their body, how they are breathing, how fast or slow they are talking, what expression is on their face. Often by reflecting what the speakers body is “saying” you help the speaker get clarity.
Example:
You: “Why don’t you just pause for a moment and see what feelings surface.” or “You look like you want to cry.”
After you get a sense that the speaker has emptied, ask if there is anything they need, want, or desire. If possible, assist them in getting what they need, by asking them how they could get it. Note: Frequently people have the most difficulty completing a communication with a request.
Common Listening Errors
When Active Listening bogs down or is rejected, often one or more of the following mistakes has been made.
